Less Stress and Mess

I just had the thought when I do finally get into an art college move etc. I’m probably gonna...

Sun, 19 May 2013 23:35:07 -0400

I just had the thought

when I do finally get into an art college move etc.

I’m probably gonna have to find a temporary psychiatrist or something to help me with adjusting to things

‘cause me + suddenly intense schedule + suddenly far away from loved ones = anxiety explosion

and I don’t want to make a self fulfilling prophecy but hey i’m self aware and I think it’d be good to plan ahead

or at least keep in mind that there’s always alternatives to giving up when the time comes

Tue, 09 Apr 2013 02:25:10 -0400

a lot of my friends friends seem to have been moving on with their lives going off to different...

Fri, 08 Feb 2013 00:36:31 -0500

a lot of my friends friends seem to have been moving on with their lives

going off to different colleges in different states or just moving on to different things and becoming new people

and I’m

stuck

I’m just a little scared of losing people and being left alone maybe I’m being melodramatic I dunno it’s just a lingering feeling I’ve had lately

I just need to remember to take my ritalin more often I’ve been taking it the last few days...

Thu, 03 Jan 2013 19:50:00 -0500

I just need to remember to take my ritalin more often

I’ve been taking it the last few days and I’ve been drawing all over everything???

which is what I do during school

when I regularly take ritalin as a habit

so yeah I guess my mom was right I just need to stay in the habit of taking my medication yeah

I just feel really sick of being me right now I hate it I hate it I hate it I’m trapped...

Thu, 03 Jan 2013 01:45:57 -0500

I just feel really sick of being me right now I hate it I hate it I hate it

I’m trapped I’m fucking trapped there’s something in my mind that just stops me from doing anything exciting creative or just working hard to accomplish anything

my default is just cruising by without doing anything and I’m sick of it I’m sick of being taken over by that default I can get inspired for a few minutes or hours but then I’m right back at my default and no no no no no NO!!!

I don’t know what to do with my life I don’t know how to become the person that I want to be I’m stuck and I hate it

so apparently if I have an emotional breakdown and I try to talk about it to my mom if I...

Sat, 22 Dec 2012 19:20:40 -0500

so apparently if I have an emotional breakdown

and I try to talk about it to my mom

if I haven’t been taking my medicine then when I’m freaking out about isn’t legitimate

no that’s not how it works

what I break down over is always genuine emotions and thoughts

they’re just blown out of proportion by the anxiety

and no I don’t do it to get fucking attention

I don’t have any control over it if I did do you honestly think I’d want to be on the floor sobbing and hyperventilating over something petty

and if I do want attention what the fuck is wrong with that

it’s healthy to talk about your issues would you rather I keep it all locked up so I become more of a wreck

it’s just

whenever I talk to my mom about my issues instead of her helping me get through them she just makes up excuses about how I shouldn’t be feeling the way I do

if I feel like I’m trapped in a shell that I can’t break out of you can’t just tell me that I’m wrong because of how you see me act sometimes no you’re not me you can’t tell me how I feel I’m telling you right now

I just wish I had somebody else to let things off my chest in person to ‘cause my mom really isn’t the best person for that

when I’m not beating myself up I’m being patronized by everyone else hahahahahaha no...

Fri, 21 Dec 2012 23:02:21 -0500

when I’m not beating myself up

I’m being patronized by everyone else

hahahahahaha

no stop that you’re a wonderful smart intelligent person!!!!!!

oh wait except you’re not

I’m really sick of being me I’m sick of the way my brain functions and makes me a zoned...

Fri, 21 Dec 2012 22:41:10 -0500

I’m really sick of being me

I’m sick of the way my brain functions

and makes me a zoned out dysfunctional absent minded idiot

and prevents me from living a fulfilling life

and no pretty words can make believe that it’s any easier than it actually is

this is my reality I have to deal with it and I’m allowed to be upset about it

getting really fucking tired of everyone expecting me to be an incompetent dumbass all the time HEY...

Sun, 11 Nov 2012 17:56:00 -0500

getting really fucking tired of everyone expecting me to be an incompetent dumbass all the time

HEY WOW SARAH DID YOU KNOW THAT YOU’RE REALLY ABSENT MINDED????????

WOW THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR REMINDING ME I HAD NO FUCKING IDEA

you know I’ve always blamed a lot of my social anxiety and stuff on being bullied in middle...

Sun, 21 Oct 2012 03:39:09 -0400

you know I’ve always blamed a lot of my social anxiety and stuff on being bullied in middle school and just general dealing with society and how judgemental people are

but the more I think about it the more I’m realizing that the people I’m teased and judged by the most are my family

Anxiety and stuff

Mon, 08 Oct 2012 21:33:54 -0400

fishingboatproceeds:

(Last DFW-related post for a while, I promise.)

In a story David Foster Wallace wrote in college, “The Planet Trillaphon as It Stands in Relation to the Bad Things,” the protagonist describes depression like this: “Some people say it’s like having always before you and under you a huge black whole without a bottom, a black, black hole, maybe with vague teeth in it, and then your being part of the hole.”

He returned to this idea a few times, and—to use a group-therapy phrase—I really identify with it.

I’m very lucky never (so far at least) to have experienced the kind of horrifying psychic pain that Kate Gompert feels in Infinite Jest, the depression memorably described as “the Great White Shark of pain,” and “a nausea of the cells and soul.”

But my experience of anxiety (and there’s pretty good evidence now that all these obsessive brain disorders are at least somewhat related) is very much like the feeling of being unable to escape the hole and then beginning to feel that I have become the thing that surrounded me, as if the obsessive worry has surrounded me and then emptied me out.

The curious thing here, of course, is that the anxiety is almost always pretty insular and narcissistic, so “you” feel like you’re losing control of yourself as you fall into/become this dark hole, but in fact you are literally doing nothing except thinking about you.

This in turn makes you feel worse about yourself (at least if you’re me), which only makes it harder to think about anything else. There is probably a term for this narcissistic cycle, but I don’t know it.

The nice thing, though, is that by having language to describe this and metaphors to understand it, the whole affair becomes a little less terrifying. And you can even use language to reconstitute yourself, to say, “I have not become part of some infinite vacuum; I am a human being.” Language is insufficient treatment, of course, even for my relatively minor psychological challenges. But it’s a very useful one, and I think the central reason that David Foster Wallace’s work has become so important to so many people is that it made them feel unalone, even in their most deeply solipsistic places.

Photo

Mon, 27 Aug 2012 15:09:50 -0400

I know that this is a really dumb thing to say and probably not true but sometimes I get this...

Wed, 22 Aug 2012 00:01:37 -0400

I know that this is a really dumb thing to say and probably not true but

sometimes I get this feeling that my parents are just

generally disappointed in me

and I really can’t shake it today

I was being a snappy asshole to my friends today since I forgot my lexapro things kept setting me...

Sun, 12 Aug 2012 02:40:33 -0400

I was being a snappy asshole to my friends today

since I forgot my lexapro things kept setting me off and emotions building and being a butt about it and blaming them instead of acknowleding that it’s me and I should be appologizing and explaining and not expect anything out of them

I do think that I’ve gotten a lot better at calming myself down but that period between getting that well up of emotions and acknowledging that it’s the anxiety and I should do something about it is still too large and I need to work more on acknowledging it sooner so things don’t get out of hand

but most importantly take. my. meds. every. morning. especially when I know I’m going to be social or doing things that might cause stress.

it’s hard because all of the emotions that well up do have grounding of genuine feelings that they’re being based off of, but they just get blown out of proportion. i.e. if I feel that I’m being left out of the loop on something or am frustrated by lack of communication or being baby talked to - I am genuinely experiencing those emotions, but the anxiety blows them out of proportion making it impossible for me to deal with them properly.

so even when I DO acknowledge that I need to clam myself down, it’s hard, because I feel that dealing with those emotions, whether through talking them out or otherwise venting them or just being angry - I feel a much stronger priority to deal with that than I do for calming down. thankfully I’ve gotten better at stepping outside of myself and acknowledging that it’ll be a lot easier to deal with those problems once I’ve calmed down, and if I don’t calm down first, then I’ll be taking it out on others, saying things I’ll really regret later, and in a worst case scenario, go into a panic attack.

I mean, things never got out of hand but I still feel really ashamed about how I was behaving today and really regret it and oh no now I’m making myself upset I’ll stop

so yeah

remember to take lexapro every day
when I don’t, be wary of it
when emotions start rising, be wary of it
once I acknowledge the anxiety exaggerating my emotions, try to calm down
calming down takes priority over the issue at hand

and just - ugh - I need to be honest with myself

I was acting as if the anxiety was an excuse for my bad behavior and just no stop sarah that’s bad

to be 100% honest if anybody could like periodically send me asks bugging me about taking my meds...

Thu, 09 Aug 2012 01:33:00 -0400

to be 100% honest

if anybody could like

periodically send me asks bugging me about taking my meds every morning

that would be really excellent and helpful plz and thank

sorry for being a bitter emotional butt today I need to remember to take my meds everyday sigh

Thu, 09 Aug 2012 01:30:58 -0400

sorry for being a bitter emotional butt today

I need to remember to take my meds everyday sigh

Fri, 03 Aug 2012 05:15:59 -0400

I need to remember to take lexapro every single day the past two days have not been good no more...

Sat, 21 Jul 2012 21:51:03 -0400

I need to remember to take lexapro every single day

the past two days have not been good no more panic attacks

can somebody please help tell me what your coping methods are for panic attacks if you have any i...

Mon, 16 Jul 2012 00:19:20 -0400

can somebody please help

tell me what your coping methods are for panic attacks if you have any

i haven’t had this in a while and I’m just stumbling around my room hating everything and I don’t know what to do

dear sarah you used to be a nobody in the fan video editing world but now you have tons of...

Thu, 12 Jul 2012 04:14:24 -0400

dear sarah you used to be a nobody in the fan video editing world but now you have tons of subscribers and friends and are involved in the community and even now there are still videos that you put tons of effort into but hardly get notes on but that’s okay because you’re proud of your work and do it because you enjoy it

you have fun drawing and that’s what matters you’ll get to that point eventually but hold on to the fun of drawing for now and never let go okay 